Good lord, I do not want to post about running... How about I post this:
I was flying back from Karhu HQ in Boston last week and realized I'd left my headphones in my checked bag. The film "The Bourne Legacy" was playing. I honestly had no idea this movie existed. I enjoyed the Matt Damon versions, and was interested in seeing how much of dumpster-fire this obvious coattail clinging movie would be. But alas, I watched in silence. I did take notes on what I saw, hoping to get an idea of what was going on. Here they are, verbatim.
- New Bourne is in the mountains somewhere
- He's going somewhere because he has a big map
- ED Norton is in a meeting room, he's got a bunch of pictures of Matt Damon.
- Dude gets shot in the head *was he in the other movies?
- Is that Margaret Cho? they were in Korea...that looks like skinny Margaret Cho...I don't think I'm a racist
- Oh hey, the girl from The Mummy is in this
- New Bourne finds another guy out in the mountains. Serious talk.
- Ed Norton in another office.
- Eating soup
- Ed Norton's people flying a drone.
- Shit! they blew up New Bourne's friends cabin. Friend dies. New Bourne is ok.
- Bourne shoots down a drone with a rifle. It is a cool rifle but dammmmn
- They can see him because he has a chip stuck in his thigh.
- He cuts it out, ouchy
- Now there are wolves. Shitty day.
- Bourne beats up a wolf and sticks the tracking chip in its mouth. he probably could have found another animal, you know
- Rachael Weisz, that's her name
- Ed Norton's people blow up the wolf because they think it's Bourne. IF ONLY THEY KNEW. Poor wolf
- RW works in a lab I guess
- Some scientist is walking around shooting people, RW is hiding
- This must be a flashback...New Bourne has different facial hair now.
- He's taking pills out of a little Altoids tin thing
- Ed Norton's people are at RW's house. They drive a 95 Explorer
- RW is yelling and confused. I am too right now
- This is getting really boring. She's just walking around being angry, then sad, then serious
- now they're trying to kill her
- BOURNE SHOWS UP
- Shooting and breaking all of RW's stuff
- Bourne is MacGuyvering something with a --
- He shoots a guy in the face with a fire extinguisher or something.
- Now he parkours himself to the roof for some reason
- He gives RW a different gun. She had a revolver. I'd take the revolver, it looked cooler
- I guess New Bourne killed everybody, the drink cart just came by
- Now they're burning down RW's house.
- Running through the woods all fast even though nobody is chasing them
- Now they are driving somewhere
- New Bourne's car is a 90's Oldsmobile
- now wait, it's a Buick
-LeSabre
-RW says something that appears to stun Bourne
- New Bourne goes outside and kneels and shakes his head for a while.
- (NB's motorcycle jacket is pretty cool)
- And Ed Norton is still in an office or something this time he has a guy with him that looks like Johnny Cash in the 60's. They are yelling about something, probably New Bourne killing all of their folks.
-New Bourne and RW are talking in the Buick. Somehow they are happy now. I mean, hell did they forget about killing a bunch of dudes and lighting all of RW's stuff on fire?
- Close up on RW's lips.
- A chubby guy with glasses (and really nice hair) is doing computer stuff for Ed Norton. Of course he finds New Bourne somewhere.
- New Bourne finds himself on a computer. His actual name is Kenneth Kitsom. "Kitsom Identity"? I'd change it too.
- Ed Norton and his crew are looking at big maps in a room and arguing some more.
- I would probably hate this movie even more with sound
- Another picture of Matt Damon for some reason. Maybe to remind you that the other movies were really good and you should give them a break.
- More yelling at maps. We get it, you're looking for New Bourne
- New Bourne is messing with some passports and they are sneaking around.
- RW has glasses on now. They look good. Not great.
- Ed Norton is turning around and gesturing at things with his thumb and forefinger extended. The camera is also turning. Maybe they were getting bored with this this shot too.
- Ed Norton and Johnny Cash look really tired.
- New Bourne and RW are somewhere
- Indonesia?
- ..............................The Philipines. Close.
- New Bourne kicks the crap out of some security guards, the camera spins around in circles
- RW runs like a jackass
- Somebody new is chasing them. He looks like Jackie Chan with the eyes of a Boston Terrier. That's just what he looks like, I'm sure he's a nice guy.
- Of course RW runs right into a trap
- BOURNE DROPS OUT OF THE DAMN SKY beats up more dudes to save RW
- Uh oh, we're about to land.
- lights are on!
- Now they're on a dirtbike. I always wonder about this kind of stuff. What about the poor dude that spent several months paycheck to get that thing? Nobody thinks about that guy.
- Movie cuts out. Plane lands.
Well, sorry if I spoiled that one for you, I'm pretty sure you're not going to see it anyway. I wonder how much Matt Damon was asking for that flick? Not even a cameo. I suppose I deserve this for spending the last few days in Boston pretending to talk like him in "Good Will Hunting" and annoying the crap out of everyone I met.
Anyway - If I happen to make the Edinburgh or NACAC USA XC teams, I'll post about that, but for now just typing bullcrap is way more fun.
